Tips to Avoid Being a "Psycho Wrestling Dad" (with a WARNING)

WARNING: This will not be a "sunny" post.  The first part is written to the perpetrators, many of whom probably will never read this.  Perhaps the rest of us can stand-up for the kids who need our help.

Over the years, I've had numerous opportunities to watch youth wrestling.  While it is usually a thrilling experience, there are some situations that tie my gut in knots.  It occurs when a parent gets out of control and comes down too hard on a kid.   I’ve witnessed acts of physical intimidation and mild abuse.  While “psycho dads” (and moms) may be found in nearly all youth sports, we seem to have an ample supply in wrestling.

With my own son wrestling in the youth leagues, I have seen it at every event this year.  In some cases the perps are the same moms or dads week after week.  In most cases, I've been able to confront them and diffuse the situation (more about that later). 

.           Before I continue, please don't think I am suggesting that parents and coaches shouldn’t push their kids, especially in a sport like wrestling where intensity and work ethic and toughness are among the most important keys to success. But it is important to consider if your actions and motives are helping or hurting the situation. 

Here are some tips to help you avoid being a psycho parent or to help you recognize if you have tendencies towards being one:

1. Consider this.  I've never seen the child of a psycho parent amount to anything of long-term consequence.  Those kids will always fold on some level at some time--usually early in high school, sometimes not until after college.  But it always happens. 

2. Think about how you are feeling, and, in your mind, make statements about your thoughts.

What you are likely to find is that your feelings are being driven by what you want, not necessarily what your child wants. 

3.  Ask yourself, "What is the worst that can happen to my child?"

Death, dismemberment, abduction are among the top things that most parents would fear followed perhaps by worries that the kid might become a social deviant or something like that.  When it really boils down to the nitty gritty, a poor sports performance is pretty tolerable compared to things that could happen.

4. Try to imagine what your child is thinking.

Your child is unlikely to be thinking something like, “Let’s see how bad I can wrestle and how poor I can perform.  I really want to embarrass myself out here.  That’s what I came for.”

5. Look at your child—really look at him or her—in the moment of your anger.

If your behavior has conditioning your child to be like you and respond with anger, then you will see a confrontational look—one that she has developed to be a defense mechanism against your anger.  But if you look deeper, you will see the hurt and the shame and embarrassment, which are causing. 

You see, the greatest desire for most children is to gain approval from their parents and make them proud.  If you perceive that is not one of the motivations for your child, then you might consider where you are failing to be the kind of person that the child will honor.

Now, about confronting a psycho parent...

This can be a touchy, and, perhaps dangerous situation, so your motivation must be in line with a desire to truly help the child not a need to put a parent in his or her place.  Also remember that most of these psycho parents probably don't realize they are being so hard on their kids.  I doubt any of them have the conscious thought, "Let's see what I can do to humiliate Billy today."

1. Begin with the proverbial "cleansing breath."  If seeing a psycho dad go off on his kid affects you like it does me, then you will need it!

2. Take a moment to imagine the psycho parent as he or she might have been as a child.  In the 20 seconds it takes to do this, you are gathering more information about the situation, and looking at the perp in a different light.  I usually try to imagine them as a happy little kid and consider what might have gone wrong in the person's life to make them behave this way.  It helps me diffuse the rage.

3. Approach the person from an angle and say something like, "Hey, you look a little stressed."  This is not an attacking statement; it is a neutral observation.  Sometimes this is all it takes to diffuse the situation and bring the person back to reality.  Don't be judgmental.  It probably helps to say things like, "It can sure be hard to watch our children struggle when we want so badly for them to have success."  I've actually had some good conversations with a few psycho dads when taking this approach, and felt satisfied to see one dad pull his kid in close and a big change in the whole mood.

4. Don't expect to work a miracle.  All you are really doing is giving the kid a break.  Sometimes it doesn't work, but at least you will have tried.  

I think we fear confronting a psycho parent, because on one level, it really isn't any of our business.  However, if we were to see a parent punching a kid in the face, we probably wouldn't stand for it.  And I won't stand for it when I see someone giving a kid an emotional beat down either.  I wouldn't get in the way of discipline, but when the parent is berating a little kid for a sports performance, I'll always have the little guy's back.